How to get your kids to co-operate
2007. 6. 5. 10:39ㆍEducation 정보
How to get your kids to co-operate
Alternatives to lecturing , threatening, bribing, whining, nagging ,punishing, begging and yelling
giving children a feeling of control over their own lives goes a long way.
By Pasquale Fulginiti
The number one question I get asked by parents and teachers is this :
“ How can I get my children and students to co-operate more at home and at school?”
I conduct parenting seminars, and I proving, lecturing, threatening, bribing, whining, pleading, rewarding, nagging, wishing, hoping, yelling, comparing and spanking don’t work in the long run.
Sure, you may get your child to clean his or her room or do the homework, but you will also foster rebellion that way.
Instead, we must expand our parenting toolbox. Some methods need to be replaced, some avoided, some sharpened. Here are some guidelines.
SET THE RULES TOGETHER
This does not mean that parents must comply with the demands of their children. It just means kids should have input. When asked how he or she feels about rules or limits, a child feels a sense of control. That makes the child more willing to co-operate and comply.
TELL THEM WHY
Something, we tell our children to refrain from doing something and have no distinct idea why.
One parent in my program instructed her daughter to turn off the television set as her daughter was cleaning up a room. The child would not move an inch after being told three times.
I asked why it was necessary to turn off the TV . “ I guess the noise was driving me crazy,” the mother replied. She could have given this valuable piece of information to her daughter.
LET YOUR CHILDREN CHOOSE
In democratic households, children are allowed to make choices that are age-appropriate and developmentally appropriate, within a structured or limited framework.
For example : “ Stephanie, are you in the mood for your grey shirt or your red one?”
Or : “ What works best for you, brushing your teeth before or after storytelling time?”
These are all easy choice that give a child valuable practice in making decisions. This is also the best way to get your children to comply.
Also, natural and logical consequences get through to your child faster and more effectively than any lecture, bribe or threat.
One dad in my seminar recalled the “ one hour battle” when his 4-years old refused to take off a Mickey mouse winter hat before going to bed with the hat on. They said he would sweat. And?
He’d get uncomfortable and remove the hat.
BE FERM AND CONSISTENT
Children will attempt to see how much their parents will let them get away with.
Example : A rebellious child refuses to help with the vacuuming. Remain cool and remind the child no more than twice:
“ You may go out as soon as you vacuum the carpet.” case closed.
When you return later, if the carpet still needs to be vacuumed, simply state: “ Oh , I see you choose not to go out. We can try again tomorrow.”
Some parents may note: “ Yes but she did not do her chores.” The goal, however, is not to control the child to do the chores, but to let the child experience the logical consequences of his or her actions (or inaction).
USE TIME-OUTS
“ Oh no,” groans one mom. “ Not the T-word.”
Many parents do not stick to time-outs long enough for them to work. Introduce time-out at around age 2. The goal is not punish. Rather, the child is removed from a situation, and thus asked to regain control of his or her emotions and make wiser decisions.
Some psychologists recommend giving three minutes for a 3-year-old, 10 minutes for a 10-year-old, and the like , then gradually increasing the time if the behaviour has not been modified.
But the goal of discipline is two-fold: to help the child make autonomous decisions and to hold the child accountable for the decisions he or she makes.
So how does time-out become a discipline tool rather than a punishment tool?
By asking the child to enter a time -out and return only when the child has decided to change his or her bad behaviour. When the child does return, just welcome him or her back. Later, you can explain more productive ways to resolve conflicts.
For example as a teenager, I was told :
“ Clean your room.” I noticed my clothes needed to be put away, but everything else appeared to be where I wanted it to be. I wished my mom had been more specific.
Instead of saying , “ Clean up your room.” We could say , “ Please put your books back on to the shelf and your clothes in the hamper.”
Instead of saying , “ Don’t be home late. ” we could say “ I need you home before 11p.m.”
Instead of saying , “ Be careful , ” we could say “ hold on with both hands on and go slow. ”
Instead of saying, ”Bad boy,” we could say “Hands are not made for hitting.”
SET FIRM LIMITS AND RULES
Sit down with the child and come up with house rules you can agree on. Keep in mind, however, that a young child is egocentric, so certain rules based on morals, values, and ethics must be designed solely by you.
Designate a family meeting. Once a week may be appropriate. This can be a forum for problems, concerns or ideas. An agenda is a good way to keep things on track.
When a child feels that he or she has a say, the child feels sense of power. When a child feel empowered, he or she becomes more compliant.
TEACH CHILDREN WHAT’S APPROPRIATE
Instead of slapping your child, remove the child or an object in dispute, and firmly and clearly state, for example: “ People are no made for hitting, they are made for caring for. You may hit this pillow if you like.”
NORM-PROOF YOUR SURROUNDINGS
In our culture, people tend to compromise their morals and values in favour of personal, financial and emotional gain. And aggression is glorified. This is now the norm.
Kids need to see more moral and ethical behaviour from their parents and parents need to begin norm-proofing their children’s environment.
For example, introduce books that talk about the exemplary and good things that people have accomplished. Limit the number of television hours and violence - your child watches. Limit competitive games and encourage children to play more co-operative, mind-challenging games instead.
Alternatives to lecturing , threatening, bribing, whining, nagging ,punishing, begging and yelling
giving children a feeling of control over their own lives goes a long way.
By Pasquale Fulginiti
The number one question I get asked by parents and teachers is this :
“ How can I get my children and students to co-operate more at home and at school?”
I conduct parenting seminars, and I proving, lecturing, threatening, bribing, whining, pleading, rewarding, nagging, wishing, hoping, yelling, comparing and spanking don’t work in the long run.
Sure, you may get your child to clean his or her room or do the homework, but you will also foster rebellion that way.
Instead, we must expand our parenting toolbox. Some methods need to be replaced, some avoided, some sharpened. Here are some guidelines.
SET THE RULES TOGETHER
This does not mean that parents must comply with the demands of their children. It just means kids should have input. When asked how he or she feels about rules or limits, a child feels a sense of control. That makes the child more willing to co-operate and comply.
TELL THEM WHY
Something, we tell our children to refrain from doing something and have no distinct idea why.
One parent in my program instructed her daughter to turn off the television set as her daughter was cleaning up a room. The child would not move an inch after being told three times.
I asked why it was necessary to turn off the TV . “ I guess the noise was driving me crazy,” the mother replied. She could have given this valuable piece of information to her daughter.
LET YOUR CHILDREN CHOOSE
In democratic households, children are allowed to make choices that are age-appropriate and developmentally appropriate, within a structured or limited framework.
For example : “ Stephanie, are you in the mood for your grey shirt or your red one?”
Or : “ What works best for you, brushing your teeth before or after storytelling time?”
These are all easy choice that give a child valuable practice in making decisions. This is also the best way to get your children to comply.
Also, natural and logical consequences get through to your child faster and more effectively than any lecture, bribe or threat.
One dad in my seminar recalled the “ one hour battle” when his 4-years old refused to take off a Mickey mouse winter hat before going to bed with the hat on. They said he would sweat. And?
He’d get uncomfortable and remove the hat.
BE FERM AND CONSISTENT
Children will attempt to see how much their parents will let them get away with.
Example : A rebellious child refuses to help with the vacuuming. Remain cool and remind the child no more than twice:
“ You may go out as soon as you vacuum the carpet.” case closed.
When you return later, if the carpet still needs to be vacuumed, simply state: “ Oh , I see you choose not to go out. We can try again tomorrow.”
Some parents may note: “ Yes but she did not do her chores.” The goal, however, is not to control the child to do the chores, but to let the child experience the logical consequences of his or her actions (or inaction).
USE TIME-OUTS
“ Oh no,” groans one mom. “ Not the T-word.”
Many parents do not stick to time-outs long enough for them to work. Introduce time-out at around age 2. The goal is not punish. Rather, the child is removed from a situation, and thus asked to regain control of his or her emotions and make wiser decisions.
Some psychologists recommend giving three minutes for a 3-year-old, 10 minutes for a 10-year-old, and the like , then gradually increasing the time if the behaviour has not been modified.
But the goal of discipline is two-fold: to help the child make autonomous decisions and to hold the child accountable for the decisions he or she makes.
So how does time-out become a discipline tool rather than a punishment tool?
By asking the child to enter a time -out and return only when the child has decided to change his or her bad behaviour. When the child does return, just welcome him or her back. Later, you can explain more productive ways to resolve conflicts.
For example as a teenager, I was told :
“ Clean your room.” I noticed my clothes needed to be put away, but everything else appeared to be where I wanted it to be. I wished my mom had been more specific.
Instead of saying , “ Clean up your room.” We could say , “ Please put your books back on to the shelf and your clothes in the hamper.”
Instead of saying , “ Don’t be home late. ” we could say “ I need you home before 11p.m.”
Instead of saying , “ Be careful , ” we could say “ hold on with both hands on and go slow. ”
Instead of saying, ”Bad boy,” we could say “Hands are not made for hitting.”
SET FIRM LIMITS AND RULES
Sit down with the child and come up with house rules you can agree on. Keep in mind, however, that a young child is egocentric, so certain rules based on morals, values, and ethics must be designed solely by you.
Designate a family meeting. Once a week may be appropriate. This can be a forum for problems, concerns or ideas. An agenda is a good way to keep things on track.
When a child feels that he or she has a say, the child feels sense of power. When a child feel empowered, he or she becomes more compliant.
TEACH CHILDREN WHAT’S APPROPRIATE
Instead of slapping your child, remove the child or an object in dispute, and firmly and clearly state, for example: “ People are no made for hitting, they are made for caring for. You may hit this pillow if you like.”
NORM-PROOF YOUR SURROUNDINGS
In our culture, people tend to compromise their morals and values in favour of personal, financial and emotional gain. And aggression is glorified. This is now the norm.
Kids need to see more moral and ethical behaviour from their parents and parents need to begin norm-proofing their children’s environment.
For example, introduce books that talk about the exemplary and good things that people have accomplished. Limit the number of television hours and violence - your child watches. Limit competitive games and encourage children to play more co-operative, mind-challenging games instead.